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a compilation: my love life (part 1)

I'm daring myself to write this as a self-awareness of my attachment issues. It might contains embarrassing stories, but I feel like I have to reconnect my relationship with myself and others and to discover what kind of problems i have been through since i was born.

For this past years, I acknowledge that I met several guys in person or through online. What I need to highlight is I attached with them so quickly. Fortunately, I have a friend who I can talk with about this. She is my coworker and 3 years older than me. We are actually in searching someone to love with, thus made us a bit in common.

Let begin with in December 2022, I DM-ed this person, my childhood crush who already studied and work in Germany. I told him that I enrolled a german class in Goethe-Institut. He cheered me up back then, and our convo went to a meet up on December 17, 2022. He said on Whatsapp that at that day, all day was for me. Omg, I still remember how my inner childhood hyped up all night long after read that.

The meeting went well. We went to an architectural exhibition in Taman Ismail Marzuki, had a coffee break in Workroom Coffee in Cikini, had a brunch in Soto Betawi Bang Adi (in front of my office), then visited Bundaran HI bus shelter to see city landscape. We did those all by public transportation which the date I dreamed of, because I really like public transportation. We ended the day with a hug in Tije bus around Casablanca Mall, he had to meet his friend at there. Huf, those time made me realised I never finished my feelings for him. We still had chat. Even when I got drunk on New Year Eve, I sent him love emoticon (consciously). I realised that the worst decision I made. I know he already has a 7 years old relationship with his girlfriend, but I confessed my feelings to him. Like, wtf I was doing. But the problem wasn't only on me, he was also open when I said it. He said that he missed me, said happy valentine's day, then calling me 'schatz' means precious in german, like a calling when usually you date someone. Hmmm, it was not good right? He two-timed his girlfriend and I was fooling around with him (in a long distance).

I discussed about it with my lived-in-singapore sister (cousin). She said, it comes back on me, how did I feel when with him and know that he already has a girlfriend? Do I want also an official relationship? She said that I am already an adult who could make decision. After heard that, the next day I confronted him that I have to end the convo. I remember our last convo at that time is on February 19, 2023. It only lasted 3 months, but it remains longer until I write this post. 

The story didn't end. It continued after I sent him a long-text email using my office email (lol, bodoh).
I sent him my resentment towards him and what-so-ever my deepest reason my I met him and what I felt to him. Such a doomed decision. HAHAHA

He replied me back, via Whatsapp. Then again, we chatted, at least in about 2 weeks. I stopped it with the help of my therapist. I told her about the situation and she advised me to stop and ignore him. I did it. I ghosted him after I sent him and article that mention about his dream to open a restaurant as a goodbye message. Even I still cared for him :")

I blocked his Instagram and Whatsapp number, but keeping his Twitter account. Yet until in the midst of March, because my bumble friend advised me to unfollow him for my own good. I told this story to my bumble friend (I will make a post about him later). I don't know if this story about this childhood crush would be finally end, but I'm aware that this is the first encounter of my attachment issue. This is also the reason I met my latest therapist after several years I keep changing psychotherapists. 

From a short-term relationship this childhood crush, I learnt that I have the ability to stop and say no in a relationship that unmatched with my value (integrity and monogamous). I shall do better in looking a life partner that makes me calm and grow as a better person. 

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