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 Actually I wrote this on twitter. But I thought it would be better if I insert also the self-blame on this blog. Tuhan, rasanya ingin ikut rekoleksi yg benar-benar bikin diri ini sadar akan perasaan sendiri. Aku masih autopilot — lutgardis (@lutgardiscae) April 5, 2024 i would be an apathetic and unempathetic person if there's no the existence of these people in my life who's influenced me to give compassion to others. I'm really grateful to be born in this big family. I learnt kindness from them, not from my parents — lutgardis (@lutgardiscae) April 7, 2024

I almost arrived at Senen station when I received the message. I was shock reading a message from my bestfriend, Regina, suddenly. She asked my pray for her dad, because she informed from her home that his father gone for forever after fell at bathroom. I was griefing and made a sudden decision to not go to Goethe for a class, instead heading directly to Regina's house. I tried to call her, but she refused. She doesn't bear to handle the panic and sadness. She said she can't handle the situation if she was crying at that time. I replied her that hope I can give her virtual hugs at the moment and said I love you to her. She is my best friend, even we didn't close enough back then at high school. But we become closer after we got into same university. She listened to me when I shared stories about my family problems, especially about my dad. She did also. We shared why does it difficult to exist as a daughter from a narssistic dad. We shared that we hate our dad, but stil...

  I am writing this post right on the train from Yogyakarta to Jakarta. I feel overwhelmed to leave Yogyakarta after some accidents happened to me.  When I arrived there, I already got flu and a bit of fever. Therefor the night before I went cycling to Borobudur Temple, I was sweaty a lot (I believed this was fever). The burden from exhaustion made my body collapsed. But at least my cousin and I reached Borobudur Temple by cycling and as we expected, we couldn't continue for the way back home. We called our other cousin (who is I didn't know earlier that he is our long distance cousin, he lived near my grandpa (from my dad's side)'s house). That was on Saturday and there was Easter mass with my other cousin and her family to attend until Sat midnight. Actually, I already felt my body was crushed but I still managed it. I managed it even until 2AM the next morning, because I was having a call with long distance friend (I met him through bumble. I wish it grows in the fut...

you did brave enough and it was best.

- my obsession over going abroad and making a plan to go to singapore, visit my sister and her children - felt anxious and applied passport immigration impulsively despite my shabby financial management - my experience about going to immigration office in east jakarta. ---- Nowadays, I realized that I am always looking for people who is working or studying abroad or specifically living in Germany. Like two weeks ago I sent a direct message to a guy who is half Indonesian-German and living in Germany as a journalist. I also sent a message to an Indonesian guy in Quora who is studying and working in Berlin. He is studying media communication, as the subject that I'm interested in studying. And the latest, I asked a phone number of my best friend's friend who had a master degree in Germany. LOL But then the bad part of mine, after I sent them a message and then they replied, I hesitate to reply. It because of my anxiousness of not being capable to give them good questions or going...

2017 adalah tahun di mana puncak saya merasa berhasil, dengan pencapaian dan pengalaman yang saya dapatkan.  2018 saya terjatuh hingga saat ini.  Saat ini saya sedang mencoba bangkit lagi dengan belajar dari kesalahan dan kebodohan yang sedang dijalani.